Miscarriage
18 Jan 2012 6 Comments
I’ve been meaning to write about this for awhile. Well, I guess I’ve been meaning to write in general for awhile.
Scott and I were pregnant, but we had a miscarriage on November 16th at w6d2. I had really only heard about miscarriage often whispered about in dark corners. Why is is such a big secret? It’s a big reason why people don’t shout from the rooftops the moment they find out they’re pregnant. But, what if? Better not tell anyone, just in case. Just in case what? Just in case you might need some support down the road? Maybe a handful or two of people knew we were pregnant. And, yes it was hard to tell people we had miscarried, especially Jeanne. But, it was certainly helpful to be able to talk to people about it. I could not have imagined not telling anyone about the pregnancy and miscarriage and having to deal with all the emotions on my own. I have a co-worker who miscarried at w12. No one knew about the pregnancy or the miscarriage except her and her husband. Again, I could not imagine.
To me miscarriage made me feel helpless. I knew it was happening, but there was nothing I could do to stop it. It’s an awful feeling, especially for someone who always feels like she needs to be in control. I felt guilt for a brief while, what if I did something to cause this? Some alcohol I drank or a medication I took before I knew I was pregnant. And then there’s anxiety, something I’m a pro at. Worrying about whether we’ll be able to get pregnant again. I tried to tell myself, like I do almost every day, that worry is a useless emotion. It’s a very unique type of loss, and I’m sure my description of it doesn’t do it justice. It’s someone you’ve never met before but are already in love with, someone who becomes an automatic member of the “plan,” without hesitation. There aren’t a lot of resources out there to help with grief after a miscarriage. I was very thankful to be given a reference book as part of our checkout from the ER that night, and thankful that we had told others about the pregnancy at maybe a time some might think is too early.
Jan 19, 2012 @ 12:51:50
I’m so sorry, Pam.
Jan 31, 2012 @ 20:00:43
I am so sorry you and Scott gad to go through this. I know it is very hard, I was never able to complete the process
Feb 01, 2012 @ 03:07:24
I am so sorry about your loss. I hope things are getting better.
Feb 10, 2012 @ 09:35:37
I am so sorry, Pam.
Feb 13, 2012 @ 20:36:05
Sorry to hear that. I’ve had 4 myself. Everywhere from just pregnant to 10 weeks. The 10 week one I’d had several ultrasounds that were ok, so we brought Brianna to the appointment only to find out the baby died. It was so hard to explain, but at least she was only 3. It’s hard to have to keep telling and then un-telling people, so I think that’s why people are scared to talk about it too early, but to never telling anyone is just too hard. You’re right, you need to be able to have the support of your close friends and family.
Needless to say in my case they never could explain them and I was able to have another baby, so never give up!
Feb 13, 2012 @ 20:50:15
I’m sorry Pam. I’ve had 8 miscarriages with the last couple being around 15 weeks. It always amazed me that there was such a lack of resources for women who had experienced it. It seems to be a sort of secret society- those who have experienced it know about others that have also, but if you’re not part of that group then you don’t talk about it. I’ve always thought it would be a good idea to create a book sort of along the lines of “What to expect when you have a miscarriage” to help women understand and not feel so alone during the whole thing. Again, I’m sorry for your loss.