The Shitty Weekend
31 Jan 2012 1 Comment
in Jeanne
Okay, so the entire weekend wasn’t shitty, mostly just Saturday morning. It played out like this.
Jeanne had her first swimming lesson. Now, she has not taken a group swimming lesson for a couple of years, and the last time she took one it was a parent-tot class. She has private lessons at daycare every summer. We got to the lesson well over an hour early because of my own error. I thought the lessons were at 9:15; they are at 10:15. Luckily there is also a water park at the Inver Grove Heights community center. So, Jeanne played in there a bit. At one point we were in the “deeper” part of the play area and I had her practice some swimming. After some half-hearted scooping and kicking, I teased her a little bit about not being ready for Level 2. I now regret this.
Cue the actual lesson. There are both Level 1 and Level 2 classes being taught at the same time. The Level 1 class has a big table that’s tossed into the shallow end of the pool so they can touch. Level 2 does not. The first thing the two instructors have the six kids in the Level 2 class do is sit on the side of the pool and do a lot of kicking in the water. Not too sure what happened, but Jeanne slipped in while they were doing this. All was well though because she got back out and continued. My guess is though that when she slipped in she realized what Mark, Scott, and I would soon learn as well. After all the kicking they had the kids jump in the pool. No problem. Next, jumping up and down in the pool. Problem. It is very obvious that Jeanne is struggling. To the point that she starts crying hysterically and won’t leave the side of the pool. I feel it important to mention that the instructors fail to notice or care. Also, I feel it important to mention that there is no fucking height requirement for the class.
I run over there and learn that the water is over Jeanne’s head, 3’6″ at the shallow end. Why did I not think of this before? I have to tell the instructors twice that she cannot touch before one of them suggests that she use the bottom step into the pool for this activity. Being the mean mom that I am, I give her two choices, continue with her group and stand on the step or move back into Level 1. But at this point in time Jeanne is too freaked out to be willing to continue the lesson. I cannot reason with her, so she requests Mark. And, then he gets to play good cop to my bad cop. From then on out she only wants Daddy. He allows her to play in the water park a bit more, but when I decide it’s time to go, she clearly does not want to leave. And then there was another conflict in the shower afterwards. She cried throughout the entire thing, which took much longer than it should have. The water was either too hot or too cold, too hot, too cold, hot, cold, etc. Finally, I just sat on the bench inside the shower area and just let her cry until she finally gave up and rinsed her hair. All the while she was asking for Mark, which I repeatedly said “no” to.
Now we’re done with the shower and ready to head home. She does not want to part with Mark, and Scott ends up having to carry her out to the car because she is not willing to walk and I can only drag her so far. The entire ride home, which was about 20 minutes, we got to hear “I want Daddy” starting out very loud, but reducing in volume as the car ride went on. I am glad that Scott was driving because it got to the point where I put my headphones on and cranked up the volume so I wouldn’t have to listen to her.
We get home and of course she heads to the living room. No, I tell her, you need to go to your room and stay there until I come and get you. Again, and understandably so, she was not happy. I had to hold the handle to the door for a little bit until she gave up trying to get out. After I went back in to get her the rest of the day was decent I guess. But man, that’s one of the toughest times I’ve had with her. Ever. Looking back at this I feel like I should have been more supportive, and of course can’t accept that I’m not perfect.
She’s just been generally more emotional lately and talks back more than usual. I’ve also been more emotional lately. Not a good combo. Poor Scott.
Miscarriage
18 Jan 2012 6 Comments
I’ve been meaning to write about this for awhile. Well, I guess I’ve been meaning to write in general for awhile.
Scott and I were pregnant, but we had a miscarriage on November 16th at w6d2. I had really only heard about miscarriage often whispered about in dark corners. Why is is such a big secret? It’s a big reason why people don’t shout from the rooftops the moment they find out they’re pregnant. But, what if? Better not tell anyone, just in case. Just in case what? Just in case you might need some support down the road? Maybe a handful or two of people knew we were pregnant. And, yes it was hard to tell people we had miscarried, especially Jeanne. But, it was certainly helpful to be able to talk to people about it. I could not have imagined not telling anyone about the pregnancy and miscarriage and having to deal with all the emotions on my own. I have a co-worker who miscarried at w12. No one knew about the pregnancy or the miscarriage except her and her husband. Again, I could not imagine.
To me miscarriage made me feel helpless. I knew it was happening, but there was nothing I could do to stop it. It’s an awful feeling, especially for someone who always feels like she needs to be in control. I felt guilt for a brief while, what if I did something to cause this? Some alcohol I drank or a medication I took before I knew I was pregnant. And then there’s anxiety, something I’m a pro at. Worrying about whether we’ll be able to get pregnant again. I tried to tell myself, like I do almost every day, that worry is a useless emotion. It’s a very unique type of loss, and I’m sure my description of it doesn’t do it justice. It’s someone you’ve never met before but are already in love with, someone who becomes an automatic member of the “plan,” without hesitation. There aren’t a lot of resources out there to help with grief after a miscarriage. I was very thankful to be given a reference book as part of our checkout from the ER that night, and thankful that we had told others about the pregnancy at maybe a time some might think is too early.
