Miscarriage
18 Jan 2012 1 Comment
I’ve been meaning to write about this for awhile. Well, I guess I’ve been meaning to write in general for awhile.
Scott and I were pregnant, but we had a miscarriage on November 16th at w6d2. I had really only heard about miscarriage often whispered about in dark corners. Why is is such a big secret? It’s a big reason why people don’t shout from the rooftops the moment they find out they’re pregnant. But, what if? Better not tell anyone, just in case. Just in case what? Just in case you might need some support down the road? Maybe a handful or two of people knew we were pregnant. And, yes it was hard to tell people we had miscarried, especially Jeanne. But, it was certainly helpful to be able to talk to people about it. I could not have imagined not telling anyone about the pregnancy and miscarriage and having to deal with all the emotions on my own. I have a co-worker who miscarried at w12. No one knew about the pregnancy or the miscarriage except her and her husband. Again, I could not imagine.
To me miscarriage made me feel helpless. I knew it was happening, but there was nothing I could do to stop it. It’s an awful feeling, especially for someone who always feels like she needs to be in control. I felt guilt for a brief while, what if I did something to cause this? Some alcohol I drank or a medication I took before I knew I was pregnant. And then there’s anxiety, something I’m a pro at. Worrying about whether we’ll be able to get pregnant again. I tried to tell myself, like I do almost every day, that worry is a useless emotion. It’s a very unique type of loss, and I’m sure my description of it doesn’t do it justice. It’s someone you’ve never met before but are already in love with, someone who becomes an automatic member of the “plan,” without hesitation. There aren’t a lot of resources out there to help with grief after a miscarriage. I was very thankful to be given a reference book as part of our checkout from the ER that night, and thankful that we had told others about the pregnancy at maybe a time some might think is too early.
1:54am
29 Jan 2011 Leave a Comment
I’m so tired. And I can’t sleep. Too restless. And I feel like a have a big knot in my stomach. A little heartburn too.
I hate being sick. I think there are two main reasons for this.
- I tend to be a hypochondriac, so anytime I get sick it feels like a death sentance
- I feel like I need to be everything to everyone all the time
I’m guessing I either had food poisoning or the “stomach flu.” Vomiting and lots of diarrhea. And then after all that cleansing, today is the first day since Tuesday that I’ve had a bowel movement. I’m feeling a lot better, but still not back to normal. And I’m questioning why. When I get sick, it brings out the worst in my anxiety (#1 above) and depression (#2 above). And believe me, I’ve dealt with both for several years. It’s not fun. So I guess you could say I’m feeling a bit off. And because, for me, anxiety and depression have some physical symptoms it’s hard to tell whether I’m still sick or not.
As I’m typing this I’m falling asleep. Gonna set the laptop aside for now and see what happens…
Thyroid
07 Dec 2010 4 Comments
in Diet, Exercise, Field of Dreams
So my mom asked me yesterday if I thought I might have a thyroid problem. How this translated to my ears was, “Boy, your favorite winter coat sure is looking tight, why can’t you lose weight?” I find this an odd question since I’ve just lost 8.4 lbs, down 2.2 lbs in the last week. I’m still 4.2 lbs away from making my Holiday Challenge goal in 11 days. So, I guess you could say I’m hoping for a Christmas miracle. But, I’ve been meeting my eating and working out goals nonetheless. I think the reason why my mom’s comment bugs me so much is because she’s never said anything to me before about my weight, even though I’ve weighed this much before. So, why now?
Thanksgiving Check In
29 Nov 2010 1 Comment
in Diet, Exercise, Field of Dreams, Jeanne, Random Thoughts, Scott
I allowed myself Thanksgiving Day to pig out, and pig out I did. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday because Thanksgiving dinner is my favorite meal. But, other than last Thursday, I’ve been behaving myself food-wise and have been getting all my workouts in. I even ran 15 of the 60 minutes I spent on the treadmill on Saturday. Felt it a little bit in my right calf, and now my hip flexors are a little sore. But, other than that the running was a success. I’m still going to focus more on walking, but maybe try to get in some running once or twice a week. No surprise though, with the Thanksgiving meal(s) so close to my weigh-in time on Saturday I was up 0.6 lbs from last week, but as of this morning I am down 1.2 lbs from last Saturday.
For my Black Friday Challenge success, I’m getting my hair extensions put in tomorrow. Cathy is only putting in three “sandwiches” as I’m going for volume only and not length. So basically, the only one who will notice a difference is me. The other model she is doing is going for length. She’s getting 11 “sandwiches” put in!
I also think I found my reward purse for when I make my Holiday Challenge – New Coach Purse. I *just* need to lose 4.8 lbs by December 18th.
In preparation for Scott to move in (no, we have not decided when this will happen yet) I got my master closet redesigned last Wednesday. I went with elfa products. You can see info on what I had installed here at The Container Store and enter in space ID 1437651. I still have a few minor tweaks I want to do to it. But 90% of it is up on the walls and looks darn good. Now I have to urge to do the rest of my closets. But that will have to wait until the budget allows for it.
Friday afternoon Scott, Jeanne, and I put up the Christmas tree. Jeanne found her favorite ornament (an old peacock that belonged to my Grandma) and took it into her room to hang on one of her dresser knobs. And then yesterday I got up the outside lights. Six strands wrapped around six small bushes. Jeanne hasn’t seen the outside lights yet and will be so excited to see them on when we come home on Wednesday night!
Keeping the Momentum Going
21 Nov 2010 3 Comments
in Diet, Exercise, Field of Dreams
I made my Black Friday Challenge! I stepped on the scale yesterday and was down 6.6 lbs total over the past four weeks. So, now what to do? Keep the momentum going. I’m gonna go for another 6 lbs over the next four weeks. So, on Saturday, December 18th, when I step on the scale, I need to be in the 170′s (179.8 lbs or lower) to make this challenge. I think I’ll call this one the Holiday Challenge, and I’m sure it will be pretty tough. My reward this time will be a new purse. I’m still waffling on my reward for the Black Friday Challenge. If I don’t hear from Cathy about being an extension model by Tuesday, I’ll probably do a pedicure instead.
